[Ailist] a i and a struggling marriage: suggestions please

Tue Jan 20 08:39:02 MST 2009

Nick,

Your example was very clear, thank you. It certainly mirrors the work I have
seen and been a part when working in the arena of mental health. 

Gary, I too see the similarities of SFT, there was once a table that was
circulated on the listserv showing the 2 side by side---I will see if I can
locate it.

Kind Regards,

Rainey 

-Balance-
Carolyn Rainey Weisenberger
Founding Partner 
www.mobileteamchallenge.com 
865-681-0146 

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-----Original Message-----
From: ailist-bounces at lists.business.utah.edu
[mailto:ailist-bounces at lists.business.utah.edu] On Behalf Of Nick Heap
Sent: Tuesday, January 20, 2009 10:29 AM
To: Cheri Torres; Appreciative Inquiry
Subject: Re: [Ailist] a i and a struggling marriage: suggestions please

Cheri,

When one person decides to change their behaviour and, for example, gives
the other more attention then the second person will often respond
positively, naturally and without consciously deciding to "be nice". This
will help the first person be more positive so you get a virtuous circle. It
happens because the first person decided to take responsibility, so again
one person has taken responsibility to get the relationship to work. The
other reacted to the change.

I am not great at Ai theory, so a real example may help to make it clearer.
A long time ago I worked as a volunteer marriage counsellor. I worked with a
couple - let's call them "Mary" and "George". Mary was very large and
talkative and George was small and quiet. Mary complained that George did
not talk to her and spent every evening in the shed pursuing his hobby. I
noticed that every time George tried to say anything, Mary interrupted him.
I started putting my hand up when Mary interrupted so they noticed what was
going on.

When they came back next time, things were much better. Mary had stopped
interrupting so much. She was delighted that George was talking to her more
and spending less time in the shed! George was pleased because he quite
enjoyed talking to Mary and now he could.  I think this worked because Mary
noticed what she was doing and decided to take responsibility and change her
behaviour. George then responded to the change.

In this case the problem was quite simple and the change required doable. It
was often not this easy and sometimes neither partner is willing to make the
effort, which is sad. They prefer to blame each other, which really means
demanding that the other person changes. This is often a hopeless approach

OK?

Best wishes,

Nick
  -----Original Message-----
  From: Cheri Torres [mailto:cheri.torres at gmail.com]
  Sent: 20 January 2009 13:17
  To: Nick Heap
  Cc: ailist at lists.business.utah.edu
  Subject: [SPAM] Re: [Ailist] a i and a struggling marriage: suggestions
please

  Nick,

  Your description sounds very much like relationships are "cause and
effect" as opposed to something like "emergent".  Am I understanding
correctly?

  I am assuming that the practice, when effective, actually "calls forth"
different actions from the partner and thus the relationships.  Which makes
me wonder if in reality, it take both people to make the relationship work,
and somehow the dance steps need to change.  This would be equivalent, I
think, to the Principle of Simulataneity--change happens the moment you ask
the question, or change the frame, or anticipate a different outcome, etc.

  Am I understanding correctly?

  Cheri

  On Tue, Jan 20, 2009 at 7:17 AM, Nick Heap <nick at nickheap.co.uk> wrote:

    Cheri,

    You wrote "Interesting that you say it only takes one person to make a
relationship work.  How do you figure this?"

    I'll answer this as clearly and briefly as I can. Thanks for your
challenge.

    I start with some basic positive assumptions about human beings. We are
fundamentally good, loving, flexible, enthusiastic, powerful, with enormous
ability to learn. You can see this if you watch a toddler (1 to 2 year old)
on a good day. I have a picture of what we are all really like here. Of
course when you see people every day, they don't look or behave like happy
two year-olds. The reason is we get hurt. When you get hurt it's very hard
to think straight and you may well do things that hurt yourself or other
people. When you are in a situation that reminds you of a time when you were
hurt, your thinking can shut down again which causes more hurts. So the
process continues. This leads to people behaving rigidly and their loving
nature being obscured.

    As infants, we all had very effective ways to recover from our hurts. We
would find someone who would give us loving attention, say a parent and then
release the painful emotion directly by crying, laughing, shaking, sweating,
angry movements, talking etc. Then if we had enough attention, we would
recover completely and go away and play etc. Meanwhile Mum (UK Mom) is
exhausted! Unfortunately, this quality of attention is rare, distraction or
criticism is common. Cocounselling is a way for people to systematically
exchange time and attention so you recover from your hurts, using the above,
and learn to be more flexible, loving etc. The practice vastly improves your
ability to give loving attention.

    When two people are in a relationship. Each person has their basic
loving and flexible nature and their hurts. When things go wrong, it is
because one person's rigid behaviour, caused by hurt, triggers the other's
hurt and gets a rigid response. Any one person can decide to act outside
their hurts and give the attention the other needs to help that persons
emerge from his or her hurts. It will be difficult and you will have many
set backs but it is possible. The more you have shifted your own hurts the
easier it is to do. As each of you emerge from your hurts, the relationship
will get better and better.

    So, "It only takes one person to make a relationship work"

    There is much more about this in the literature on re-evaluation
counselling which is available via the website www.rc.org

    I hope this helps. Please ask for more clarification if you need it.

    Best wishes,

    Nick

    +44 1707 886553 and Skype nickheap

  --
  Cheri B. Torres, Ph.D.
  Ed Psych and Collaborative Learning
  Asheville, NC
  828-225-5088
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