[Ailist] a i and a struggling marriage: suggestions please

[Cheri Torres]

Nick,
Your description sounds very much like relationships are "cause and effect"
as opposed to something like "emergent".  Am I understanding correctly?

I am assuming that the practice, when effective, actually "calls forth"
different actions from the partner and thus the relationships.  Which makes
me wonder if in reality, it take both people to make the relationship work,
and somehow the dance steps need to change.  This would be equivalent, I
think, to the Principle of Simulataneity--change happens the moment you ask
the question, or change the frame, or anticipate a different outcome, etc.

Am I understanding correctly?

Cheri



On Tue, Jan 20, 2009 at 7:17 AM, Nick Heap <nick at nickheap.co.uk> wrote:

>  Cheri,
>
> You wrote "Interesting that you say it only takes one person to make a
> relationship work.  How do you figure this?"
>
> I'll answer this as clearly and briefly as I can. Thanks for your
> challenge.
>
> I start with some basic positive assumptions about human beings. We are
> fundamentally good, loving, flexible, enthusiastic, powerful, with
> enormous ability to learn. You can see this if you watch a toddler (1 to 2
> year old) on a good day. I have a picture of what we are all really like
> here <http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3248/2989788634_01be18f79c_m.jpg>. Of
> course when you see people every day, they don't look or behave like happy
> two year-olds. The reason is we get hurt. When you get hurt it's very hard
> to think straight and you may well do things that hurt yourself or other
> people. When you are in a situation that reminds you of a time when you were
> hurt, your thinking can shut down again which causes more hurts. So the
> process continues. This leads to people behaving rigidly and their loving
> nature being obscured.
>
> As infants, we all had very effective ways to recover from our hurts. We
> would find someone who would give us loving attention, say a parent and then
> release the painful emotion directly by crying, laughing, shaking, sweating,
> angry movements, talking etc. Then if we had enough attention, we would
> recover completely and go away and play etc. Meanwhile Mum (UK Mom) is
> exhausted! Unfortunately, this quality of attention is rare, distraction or
> criticism is common. Cocounselling is a way for people to systematically
> exchange time and attention so you recover from your hurts, using the
> above, and learn to be more flexible, loving etc. The practice vastly
> improves your ability to give loving attention.
>
> When two people are in a relationship. Each person has their basic loving
> and flexible nature and their hurts. When things go wrong, it is because one
> person's rigid behaviour, caused by hurt, triggers the other's hurt and gets
> a rigid response. Any one person* can *decide to act outside their hurts
> and give the attention the other needs to help that persons emerge from his
> or her hurts. It will be difficult and you will have many set backs but it
> is possible. The more you have shifted your own hurts the easier it is to
> do. As each of you emerge from your hurts, the relationship will get better
> and better.
>
> So, "It only takes one person to make a relationship work"
>
> There is much more about this in the literature on re-evaluation
> counselling which is available via the website www.rc.org
>
> I hope this helps. Please ask for more clarification if you need it.
>
> Best wishes,
>
> Nick
>
> +44 1707 886553 and Skype nickheap
>
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-- 
Cheri B. Torres, Ph.D.
Ed Psych and Collaborative Learning
Asheville, NC
828-225-5088