[Ailist] a i and a struggling marriage: suggestions please

[Gary Robbins]

(Just realized I forgot to sign my name to my last email, about Solution 
Focused Therapy)

Cheri's question about Nick's comment about it only taking to one person 
to make a relationship work got me to thinking a little further.

While I may not go so far as to say that it takes one to make a 
relationship "work" per se, I would agree that even if one person in a 
relationship shifts, that changes the relationship.  The type of systems 
ideas I'm used to would seem to say that in a relationship that exists 
between two people, if one of them shifts their position in any 
direction, then that necessitates a shift from the other person as 
well.  (Things may get worse before they get better, but the 
relationship is still different).  A system cannot be the same system if 
any of its members are different.  So, I think that one person really 
can make a relationship 'work' in that it will shift and be something 
different.  Enough shifting, and the relationship may be something that 
works out quite well.

Just some thoughts.

Gary Robbins


Cheri Torres wrote:
> Nick,
> Interesting that you say it only takes one person to make a relationship
> work.  How do you figure this?
>
> Cheri
>
> On Mon, Jan 19, 2009 at 6:10 AM, Nick Heap <nick at nickheap.co.uk> wrote:
>
>   
>> Jackie Kelm has a set of appreciative questions for couples. The list is
>> here http://www.nickheap.co.uk/articles.asp?art_id=282 I can't find the
>> original reference. These are all positive questions so they should be
>> relatively easy to explore, provided both people want things to improve.You
>> start off talking about how you first met and only at the 10th question
>> start thinking about small actions that could make things better.
>>
>> There are also a whole series of simple and positive exercises on the
>> Marriage Enrichment
>> http://www.bettermarriages.org/Learn/Exercises/tabid/67/Default.aspxsite
>> that might be helpful too.
>>
>> It is disconcerting, but probably true, that it only takes one person to
>> get
>> a relationship to work, so if either of the people really wants to make it
>> work, that person could decide to do what ever it takes. This will require
>> courage, determination, patience and flexibility and a good friend to talk
>> to whan it gets tough.
>>
>> The questions and exercises are even more fun and rewarding if you are in a
>> good relationship that you would like to make even better. It's very nice
>> to
>> spend an hour or two focusing on what works and how to make it better. One
>> of the ME exercises was to sit in a corner and hold hands and tell your
>> partner all the things you like about her or him for ten minutes while the
>> partner just listens, then you swap over. Magic!
>>
>> Best wishes,
>>
>> Nick
>>
>> www.nickheap.co.uk
>>
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>>     
>
>
>
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