[Ailist] a i and a struggling marriage: suggestions please

[Gary Robbins]

I realize that I'm coming to the conversation a little late, but, as a 
marriage and family therapist intern (with a focus on org development 
and evaluation) I have a few thoughts on this subject.

I didn't see it anywhere in any of the prior emails, and it may be 
common knowledge, but in my post-modern theories class (where I was 
introduced to Appreciative Inquiry and the work of David Cooperrider) it 
was a very short jump from Solution focused brief therapy (often 
referred to as Solution focused therapy, or SFT) to AI.  Where 
therapists have been using SFT with clients (individuals, couples, and 
families), others in the business world were using AI.  The concepts are 
incredibly similar.

There are some very key (and scripted) components to Solution Focused 
Therapy that I have found very very useful in my work with couples
- The Miracle Question
- Scaling Questions
- Exception Seeking Questions
- Coping Questions
(You can find these actually very nicely summarized at wikipedia here: 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solution-focused_counseling)

The founding parents of SFT were Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg, two 
wonderful folks who I had the opportunity to meet and learn from a while 
before they both passed in the last year.  The text that has tended to 
be thought of as one of the key books is "Interviewing for Solutions" by 
De Jong and Berg.

So, I'd definitely look around the various SFT websites, as most of them 
have some really good resources.

Cheri Torres wrote:
> Nick,
> Interesting that you say it only takes one person to make a relationship
> work.  How do you figure this?
>
> Cheri
>
> On Mon, Jan 19, 2009 at 6:10 AM, Nick Heap <nick at nickheap.co.uk> wrote:
>
>   
>> Jackie Kelm has a set of appreciative questions for couples. The list is
>> here http://www.nickheap.co.uk/articles.asp?art_id=282 I can't find the
>> original reference. These are all positive questions so they should be
>> relatively easy to explore, provided both people want things to improve.You
>> start off talking about how you first met and only at the 10th question
>> start thinking about small actions that could make things better.
>>
>> There are also a whole series of simple and positive exercises on the
>> Marriage Enrichment
>> http://www.bettermarriages.org/Learn/Exercises/tabid/67/Default.aspxsite
>> that might be helpful too.
>>
>> It is disconcerting, but probably true, that it only takes one person to
>> get
>> a relationship to work, so if either of the people really wants to make it
>> work, that person could decide to do what ever it takes. This will require
>> courage, determination, patience and flexibility and a good friend to talk
>> to whan it gets tough.
>>
>> The questions and exercises are even more fun and rewarding if you are in a
>> good relationship that you would like to make even better. It's very nice
>> to
>> spend an hour or two focusing on what works and how to make it better. One
>> of the ME exercises was to sit in a corner and hold hands and tell your
>> partner all the things you like about her or him for ten minutes while the
>> partner just listens, then you swap over. Magic!
>>
>> Best wishes,
>>
>> Nick
>>
>> www.nickheap.co.uk
>>
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>>     
>
>
>
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