[Ailist] Re: Staying Positive With Cancer
Peggy Holman
peggy at opencirclecompany.com
Tue Nov 25 14:27:22 MST 2008
I've been overwhelmed by the responses to my mother's story. Thank you.
Joan - such wise words! You captured so beautifully so much insight
on this subject; both how it all feels in the midst of a deep life
experience and that what we do with our emotions is a choice.
I remember a few days after we finished sitting Shiva, I was in my
office for the first time. Something reminded me of my mother and I
remember feeling my heart physically aching. It hurt so much I
wondered if it would ever stop. I can bring that memory up in a
heartbeat and feel it emotionally and physically again. Most of the
time, her presence is with me in a sweet, sad muted way. Sometimes I
can hear her telling me to "get over it" and just enjoy life. All of
these feelings are part of me. What I do with them changes with time
and the context I am in.
It seems to me this reflection on emotions is part of a larger
exploration of what it means to live an appreciative life. I was
doing an AI workshop recently and as I prepared for it, I re-read
David Cooperrider's brilliant article, Positive Image, Positive
Action: The Affirmative Basis of Organizing (http://appreciativeinquiry.case.edu/intro/classicsDetail.cfm?coid=647
). I had forgotten the section on Positive Affect.
In it, he talks about Alice Isen's research that
"mood, cognition, and action form an inseparable triad and tend to
create feedback loops of amplifying intensity. Positive affect, the
evidence indicates, generates superior recall or access to pleasant
memories (Isen, Shalker, Clark, and Karp, 1978); helps create a
heightened sense of optimism toward the future (Isen and Shalker,
1982); cues a person to think about positive things (Rosenhan,
Salovey, and Hargis, 1981); and, as a result, predisposes people
toward acts that would likely support continued positive affect, like
the prosocial action of helping others (Cunningham, Steinberg, and
Grev, 1980; Isen and Levin, 1972; Isen, Shalker, Clark and Karp,
1978). In addition, positive affect has been associated with (1)
increased capacity for creative problems solving (Isen, 1984); (2)
more effective decision making and judgment (Isen and Means, 1983);
(3) optimism and increased learning capacity—in particular, a
sharpened capacity for perceiving and understanding mood-congruent or
positive things (Bower, 1981; Clark and Isen, 1982). "
Years ago, I remember someone in an organization apologizing for
showing her emotions and that this wasn't okay in organizaitonal
life. I thought to myself, "why not?" Isn't it part of our birthright?
Seeing Isen's triad got me thinking about emotions in a work setting
again. We've been trained that bringing our emotional life into the
office isn't okay. And yet it is a vital part of who we are and the
research shows how essential it is.
It strikes me that this kind of conversation helps us learn how to
appreciatively bring this aspect of ourselves forward in life-serving
ways.
appreciatively,
Peggy
______________________________
Peggy Holman
The Open Circle Company
15347 SE 49th Place
Bellevue, WA 98006
425-746-6274
www.opencirclecompany.com
For the new edition of The Change Handbook, go to:
www.bkconnection.com/ChangeHandbook
"An angel told me that the only way to step into the fire and not get
burnt, is to become
the fire".
-- Drew Dellinger
On Nov 25, 2008, at 11:48 AM, Arnett, Sarah wrote:
> Thank you Peggy and Joan for sharing your stories. They are powerful
> reminders of the wonderment of relationships.
>
> Sarah Arnett
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: ailist-bounces at lists.business.utah.edu
> [mailto:ailist-bounces at lists.business.utah.edu] On Behalf Of
> relationshipresources at fuse.net
> Sent: Monday, November 24, 2008 11:43 PM
> To: Jen Van Deusen; ailist at lists.business.utah.edu
> Cc: Peggy Holman
> Subject: Re: [Ailist] Re: Staying Positive With Cancer
>
> Hello all
> Peggy, I thought your story about your mother's final days .was quite
> wonderful especially as you related it to community and work.
>
> Our family did not have the opportunity to be with our son, Jamey (age
> 33) when he died. His death was unexpected and shocking. In the
> context of the current conversation of positive and negative
> emotions I
> have been wanting to say that I think emotions are just emotions, some
> joyful, others painful, terribly so. Because we are human we feel a
> whole range of feelings, perhaps what is important is how we live with
> our emotions, what actions do we take? Your mother made a choice as to
> how she wanted to respond.
>
> Jamey's death brought incredible pain with it. It was like drowning
> in
> sorrow, gasping for air at first and then deciding not to fight it.
> We
> floated for a long while, barely aware of anything. At some point, a
> thought came to my husband and me. The thought was this: if we had
> been told that this baby, all 9 pounds 10oz of him would only be
> with us
> for 33 years and would end in this pain would we have agreed to the
> deal? We overwhelming agreed that we would choose to have him even it
> would be for this short time followed a sense of incredible loss.There
> is no doubt about that, our answer would have been a resounding "yes".
> It was this thought that began to help us. We began to have a sense
> of
> gratitude for the privilege we had in giving life to this "beautiful
> boy".
>
> I guess the point I am trying to make is that every time we connect
> with
> others, especially those born to us or those to whom we make a
> commitment, we take the chance that pain will enter into our life. It
> is the nature of living. There is no doubt that Jamey brought
> wonderful
> life with him and we hold dear that fact. We love to think about
> him at
> his best, all six foot four inches, with a smile that lit the room
> and a
> laugh that made your tummy tickle. We talk about him among ourselves
> (his five siblings, dad and mom) and we talk to others about him,
> offering the idea that we never know what tomorrow will bring, so hold
> dear today. Jamey fell asleep in front of his TV and never woke, his
> death was ruled, death by natural cause unknown. The difference
> between
> life and death is estimated at about two minutes. Hold dear to the
> moment.
>
> Our AI practice allows us the chance to help people o think about and
> act on their best selves and we are so grateful for that opportunity.
> Our work is motivated by a desire to make the most of everyday. to
> appreciate everything even the pain.
>
> The point, I think. is what do we do with our emotions is what is
> important, do we react to them or do we understand that it is what
> we do
> with them that makes the difference. Do we appreciate the insight
> about
> ourselves and others they can reveal?
>
> Forgive my soapbox and know that you have touched us with your story
>
> Warmest Regards
> Joan
>
>
>
> --
> Joan Colleran Hoxsey D.Min., MSed
> Principal, Relationship Resources LLC
> Co-owner AIC
> 513 681-2513
>
> "Be the change you wish to see in the world"...Gandhi
>
>
> On the WEB at www.relationshipresources.net
>
> ---- Jen Van Deusen <whitestwave at gmail.com> wrote:
>> dear Peggy & All,
>>
>> Thank you for sharing this beautfiul story. My own mother has ovarian
>> cancer. I have been seeking ways to see the silver lining in this
> cloud and
>> your story helped.
>>
>> I thought this article from the clinical world might interest you and
> folks
>> on the list:
>> Significant Reduction in Breast Cancer Recurrence and Mortality With
>> Psychologic Intervention
>> http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/583889?
>> sssdmh=dm1.406333&src=nldne
>>
>> peace,
>> jen
>>
>> On 11/23/08, Peggy Holman <peggy at opencirclecompany.com> wrote:
>>>
>>> This thread caught my eye as I dropped into my AI list folder for
> the first
>>> time in a VERY long time. My mother died from cancer about four
> years ago.
>>> It was an extraordinary experience because she was curious from the
> moment
>>> of diagnosis. She told us at one point that she saw her job as
> "dying
>>> well".
>>>
>>> I know many of you have already spoken about the amazing journey
> that
>>> cancer can be. It certainly was for me as it brought my brother,
> sister,
>>> and I closer together and closer to our mother. It ended up
> touching a
>>> variety of people over the eight months of this journey. Before it
>>> happened, a good friend told me that given a choice between an
> immediate
>>> death and a slow one, she'd take the slow one. I didn't understand
> that
>>> until I got to live through the experience and appreciate the
> fierce,
>>> loving, and precious days my family and friends shared with each
> other.
>>>
>>
>> On Mon, Nov 24, 2008 at 7:08 AM, Roland Sullivan <
>> changeroland at rocketmail.com> wrote:
>>
>>> Peggy. Your writing on Living a Good death was magnificent.
>>>
>>> You are a noble and self-realized person.
>>>
>>> Roland Sullivan
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>> From: Peggy Holman <peggy at opencirclecompany.com>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> _______________________________________________
>>> The Appreciative Inquiry Discussion List is hosted by the David
> Eccles
>>> School of Business at the University of Utah. Jack Brittain is the
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>>> administrator. For subscription information, go to:
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>>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --
>> jenifer van deusen
>> 1431 high street
>> bath, maine 04530
>> 207.798.0912
>> Blog: www.notanotherbrick-kittery.blogspot.com
>> Skype: whitestwave
>> SecondLife: sandiabrautigan
>> _______________________________________________
>> The Appreciative Inquiry Discussion List is hosted by the David
>> Eccles
> School of Business at the University of Utah. Jack Brittain is the
> list
> administrator. For subscription information, go to:
>> http://mailman.business.utah.edu:8080/mailman/listinfo/ailist
>
> _______________________________________________
> The Appreciative Inquiry Discussion List is hosted by the David Eccles
> School of Business at the University of Utah. Jack Brittain is the
> list
> administrator. For subscription information, go to:
> http://mailman.business.utah.edu:8080/mailman/listinfo/ailist
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