[Ailist] Re: Staying Positive With Cancer
Peggy Holman
peggy at opencirclecompany.com
Sun Nov 23 17:52:25 MST 2008
This thread caught my eye as I dropped into my AI list folder for the
first time in a VERY long time. My mother died from cancer about four
years ago. It was an extraordinary experience because she was curious
from the moment of diagnosis. She told us at one point that she saw
her job as "dying well".
I know many of you have already spoken about the amazing journey that
cancer can be. It certainly was for me as it brought my brother,
sister, and I closer together and closer to our mother. It ended up
touching a variety of people over the eight months of this journey.
Before it happened, a good friend told me that given a choice between
an immediate death and a slow one, she'd take the slow one. I didn't
understand that until I got to live through the experience and
appreciate the fierce, loving, and precious days my family and friends
shared with each other.
Below is a reflection of the experience that I wrote at that time. It
was inspired by a request to write about making a difference in
organizations, hence the juxtaposition of the personal and the
organizational.
appreciatively,
Peggy
LIVING A GOOD DEATH:
Making A Difference Across the Great Divide
Mother died five weeks ago. She died as she lived – at peace with
herself and the world, curious to explore the next adventure. What,
you may wonder, does a story of death have to do with making a
difference?
What if you could bring death more creatively into business or other
environments? After all, people lose jobs. Organizations die. Our
society encourages us to move on immediately—often before we have even
acknowledged our feelings.
Pam, a colleague who never met Mother told me, “Your story about your
mother graduating from college at 63 and starting a new career as a
journalist made a difference for me.” In her late 50’s, recently laid
off, and newly in school, Pam’s words – your mother made a difference
to me – told me that this story mattered.
May these vignettes make a difference for you…
…When lung cancer was detected, surgery was the treatment. As the
anesthesiologist covered the dangers, my 80-year-old mother, says,
“Young man, I’ve lived a good life. I’m not afraid to die. I’ve got
friends on both sides.” Her words carried me through many rough
moments when, over a year later, after a full recovery from surgery,
we were rocked by the news that cancer had metastasized to her brain.
Now 82, healthy and vibrant, Mother took the news in stride. “My job
is to die well,” she told my sister, brother and me. That she did.
…A few weeks before she died, our cousin, Debbi, called to find out
why Mother sounded worse. Within two days, Debbi came to visit. “I’m
here for selfish reasons. I want to know your mom’s secret for
staying so positive.” Straight from the airport, Debbi sat by the
bed. Mom woke with a beaming smile, “Hi, Debbi.” Mom still recognized
her niece. Debbi wasted no time and asked Mom her secret. Out of a
haze of sleep, Mom didn’t hesitate: “Follow your heart.” Ohhh….
…A licensed acupuncturist, my sister eased Mom’s cough and the
common, intractable side affects of radiation and drugs. The hospice
group witnessed new possibilities for palliative care. Impressed,
they are rethinking the role of alternative treatments…
…As the end drew nearer, marked by more sleep and less food, my
brother, David, my sister, Harrie Anne and I began thinking about
funerals and mourning. We asked Mother if she wanted to be involved.
Her response: “Surprise me.” Since neither Harrie nor I practiced
Jewish customs, we began learning. Jewish mourning is an act of
community. The Mourner’s Kaddish, a prayer said daily for eleven
months when a parent dies, requires 10 people; it is never said
alone. David goes to temple daily. Since we are not practicing Jews,
Harrie and I made a pact: we would be each other’s community. After
returning from services, David joins us each morning by phone from his
home, 3,000 miles away, to say Kaddish. We also witness each other’s
lives with a new intimacy. In her passing, Mother brought us closer
together.
…Because of his need for a minyan, David returned for services to a
synagogue community that he felt had rejected him years earlier. Many
people welcomed him warmly and told him they had missed him. He
discovered that his community was larger than he knew.
…From the moment of diagnosis, we were held by the love of friends,
family and even strangers. Spirited Work, a learning community that
gathers in person four times a year, was pivotal to my experience. I
had been a member for three years. In my second year, Mother joined
during the season of the healer, just days before lung cancer
surgery. The community fell in love with her open, loving nature.
She was mother, grandmother and friend to many. A year later, when
the brain cancer was discovered, my family found themselves the
unexpected recipients of that love for Mom. Throughout her last days,
Spirited Workers were there for all of us. Candi came weekly to do
Reiki, Julia read to Mother almost weekly. Others brought food,
music, or ran errands for all of us. And many, many people simply
kept us in their thoughts and prayers. Everyone who came was touched
by Mother’s living each moment, calmly accepting whatever came to
her. She taught us what it means to live fully. And as a bonus, I
learned what it means to be part of a community…
…Welcoming strangers at such a time seems crazy, and yet, our desire
to honor Mother, an Orthodox Jew in childhood, rippled through the
reform synagogue she joined when moving close to her daughters five
years ago. Our father’s health had kept my parents busy, never
allowing them time to become active with the congregation. We needed
a minyan – the group of 10 Jews – for Kaddish every night during
Shiva, the week of mourning after burial. Neither Harrie nor I knew
enough Jews to make a minyan. We reached out to the temple. No one
had made a request of them before for a minyan through the entire week
of Shiva—strangers entering a house of mourning. It got them talking…
…Towards the end, asking for support became imperative. What a
humbling surprise, the love from people, many met through work, who
said yes to whatever we needed. I discovered that asking for help was
a gift to others. The nakedness I felt in asking was returned many
fold by the depth of connection it created…
It got me thinking:
What if we brought our whole selves to work? We must all let go of
someone or something we love at times. Aren’t most of us mystified by
tragedy and grief, wanting to know how to do it better?
Perhaps my greatest surprise and deepest learning is that a good
death happens in community. It was often a stretch, particularly when
the people were strangers, to have so many witnessing what felt so
private. As my friend Therese Fitzpatrick, whose support I could feel
at every step, eloquently wrote, “…by making our personal lives public
practice, our everyday lives are enhanced, expanding productivity and
our capacity for pleasure…Isn't the story of your mother's death about
how we build community in our lives in contemporary culture?”
As I move through the intense fire of early mourning, Mother’s
stories find their way into my work—my communities. As Pam told me,
it makes a difference.
______________________________
Peggy Holman
The Open Circle Company
15347 SE 49th Place
Bellevue, WA 98006
425-746-6274
www.opencirclecompany.com
For the new edition of The Change Handbook, go to:
www.bkconnection.com/ChangeHandbook
"An angel told me that the only way to step into the fire and not get
burnt, is to become
the fire".
-- Drew Dellinger
On Nov 14, 2008, at 1:37 PM, Brian Guest wrote:
> Message for listserve - Daniel asked me to forward his message below
> as it appears not to have been received / released for some
> technical reason. Please can you release it. Thanks.
> Brian Guest
>
> --- On Thu, 11/13/08, Saint, Daniel
> <Daniel_Saint at jeffersonwells.com> wrote:
>
> From: Saint, Daniel <Daniel_Saint at jeffersonwells.com>
> Subject: Staying Positive With Cancer and What I Learned from Marge
> and Jane
> To: brianjguest at yahoo.com, ailist at lists.business.utah.edu
> Date: Thursday, November 13, 2008, 6:46 PM
>
> Brian, I love the idea of letting go as you expressed
> A few months ago, I received an email from Marge Schiller telling me
> that she
> had breast cancer. My first instinct, knowing Marge, was to
> congratulate her and
> wish her well and support on her exciting new journey. But, I
> didn't. I
> thought that it might not come across as intended. A few days later
> I was on a
> conference call that Marge was invited to, but was not available
> for. I was in
> my doctors office waiting room when I was on the call to get the
> results of my
> annual physical. Jane Magruder Watkins was on the call. At the end
> of the call,
> Jane acknowledged Marge's absence and matter of factly asked, "Hey,
> does everyone know that Marge has breast cancer?"
>
> That was so refreshing! I went into see my doctor directly after
> that call and
> he told me that my PSA score was elevated and he wanted me to get a
> biopsy
> quickly. A week later I had the biopsy and still never even
> considered that I
> might have cancer. My urologist called two days later. Even when he
> called, I
> still had no suspicion. I assumed he was just calling to chat and
> make jokes.
>
> When he told me that I had an aggressive, advanced state of prostate
> cancer I
> was surprised. Now, it did disorient us for a few days. I, my
> family, friends
> and coworkers went through a few days of tears and terror. My son
> called from
> graduate school and could only cry on the phone. He was the one that
> we all
> prayed for and worried about when he was a young soldier in Iraq. My
> daughter
> called from law school on the other side of the country and the
> conversation was
> similar.
>
> My wife was incredible! I was ready to quickly have the surgery. She
> thoroughly
> researched the issue and got access to some of the leading cancer
> specialists in
> the country. I ended up at Duke University Medical Center where I am
> writing
> this from today. My daily radiation therapy starts soon.
>
> Looking back on this journey, I have only one minor regret. I wish I
> would have
> gone with my instinct and congratulated Marge on her news!
>
> This has turned out to be one of the most wonderful and maybe most
> loving
> journey I have been on since my Mother's caring love of my early
> years.
>
> One of the oncologists my wife got us access to early on told me
> something
> prophetic: he said that some couples come through this more deeply
> in love than
> they ever were. I didn't think that was possible when he told me
> that, but
> is was certainly true for us.
>
> While I am here at Duke, I decided to do the 4 week intensive diet
> and fitness
> program also. I will emerge far healthier in January than when I
> started this
> journey. Cancer may have not only given me a deeper awareness of how
> loving my
> relationships are--my family, Jackie, Ralph and Jane, Marge, my
> poker and golf
> club that celebrated our 25th anniversary this year, my colleagues
> in the Great
> Lakes Practice of Jefferson Wells, and so many others--it may have
> saved my
> life.
>
> When people tip toe around the issue, call with sympathy or ask me my
> prognosis--I tell them the bad news. My doctor told me that I am
> going to
> die...probably some time within the next 50 years.
>
> If I can help or provide moral support to anyone who has been
> diagnosed or
> their family members, please contact me. Now I have to get naked,
> put on that
> robe that is open in the back and go to the green machine at Duke.
> .
> Life is good!
>
> Dan
>
> --------------------------
> Daniel K. Saint, PhD
> Managing Director
> Jefferson Wells
> 248-565-5056 (cell phone)
>
> Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: ailist-bounces at lists.business.utah.edu
> <ailist-bounces at lists.business.utah.edu>
> To: ailist at lists.business.utah.edu <ailist at lists.business.utah.edu>
> Sent: Thu Nov 13 05:17:01 2008
> Subject: [Ailist] How to Stay Positive With Cancer
>
>
> There are already several very worthy themes in this thread, but if
> I may just
> add some thoughts.
>
> In facing surgery for cancer five years ago at age 47, I found
> gratitude
> and some strength in knowing that I was going to a world class
> hospital to be
> operated on by a highly skilled surgeon. I reflected several times
> that I was
> not an 18 year old about to step onto a Normandy beach on June 6th
> 1945. My
> generation had been fortunate to come afterwards.
> We were already "old". The film "Saving Private Ryan"
> showed me, I believed credibly, what receiving medical attention in
> hell was
> like.
>
> The surgery was in Brazil and I also knew the reality of many for whom
> obtaining good health care in an hour of need could be such a
> challenge and
> sometimes such a heartbreak. I joked with my wife that I was going
> to a holiday
> camp. The comparisons were real for me and they helped.
>
> My final thoughts before losing consciousness in the operating
> theatre were a
> "letting go".
> Mentally I surrendered the part of me that needed extracting. I
> "released
> it" and "let the surgeon have it". The surgeon made comments to
> my wife afterwards about how the surgery went that I would like to
> think
> confirmed that my thoughts had been of use.
>
> Indeed, illness can be a way of learning to "let go" in not just this
> physical sense. I am one of the believers that attachments can cause
> cancer and
> other ailments. One could argue that sometimes an illness is about
> not accepting
> reality in some way and if we are lucky it can help us see and
> joyously accept
> reality again.
>
> Brian Guest
>
> --- On Wed, 11/12/08, Olen Jones <ojones at nationalcore.org> wrote:
>
> From: Olen Jones <ojones at nationalcore.org>
> Subject: [Ailist] RE: How to Stay Positive With Cancer
> To: ailist at lists.business.utah.edu
> Date: Wednesday, November 12, 2008, 11:33 PM
>
> Olen Jones, Community Relations
> National Community Renaissance
> National CORE
> 9065 Haven Avenue, Suite 100
> Rancho Cucamonga, CA 91730
> (909) 483-2444 Ext. 122
> (909) 483-2448 Fax
> ojones at nationalcore.org
>
>
> Like several of the responses to this question, one idea that helped
> me
> through treatment and recovery was what I had gained as a result of
> the
> loss of my health. Like others, discovering the love and support of
> friends and family, the rich conversations I was able to have with my
> wife and children, the experiences I was able to share with family and
> friends through treatment, the relationships with the medical
> professionals, the impact I could have on the medical professionals by
> choosing to approach my disease as a living person rather than a dying
> person, the story I now have to share with others experiencing similar
> struggles, were so much greater than the disease.
>
> I really feel like I gained so much more than I lost.
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