[Ailist] Re: Connecting with Others

[Kevin Kervick]

Hello Rob:

> My friend then responded:  "If I could help you make sure your company is
> secure without having to annihilate the competition would that work for 
> you."
> To which the client responded "sure, that would be great."
>
> So my strategy would be to explore what are the underlying core values 
> that the
> people I disagree with have.  To I also share those values.  is there a 
> way we can
> find a strategy to achieve those deeper values, and is that strategy 
> consistent
> with the deeper values.

I actually like this rather honest approach very much, although I would 
disagree with you that this is neutral curiosity.  There is a growing debate 
within psychotherapy, my first profession, about whether a talk therapist 
should impose his values on a client whom seems to be coming from a 
destructive place, or at a minimum a different place.  I believe we should. 
Your friend's comments above indicated that he disagreed with the client's 
strongly held convictions about annihilation.  But he intervened in a 
respectful way.  Had he said, OK, like many consultants would have done and 
then went about his merry way of creating change without an annihilation 
strategy, that would have been a lie.  Your friend had integrity.

This is the type of well-differentiated relating I am trying to describe in 
my own work.  In the polarized argument we have collaborators (nice people) 
on one side and dominators (mean people) on the other.  I say and the 
example above indicates there is a more powerful middle ground.  This is 
what I say about that middle ground in a paper:

This conversation has polarized with "dominators" on one side of the 
discussion and "collaborators" on the other side of that conversation. 
Essentially, dominators believe that one side usually wins and imposes its 
views on the other.  Collaborators believe that people respect differences 
and compromise.  The premise to be explored in this study is whether there 
might be a more powerful middle ground between the dominator and 
collaborator paradigms.  There is some emerging scholarly inquiry about the 
potential for this new paradigm, that I refer to as interpersonal wisdom, 
but the polarization, which also tends to be connected to political identity 
and nationalism, is interfering with much needed scholarly temperance in the 
search for truth. Political Right - Left identity phenomenon and groupthink 
dynamics are blocking creativity.

Kevin