[Ailist] Re: How does it work?

[Alice Leibowitz]

Hank-

I wanted to address your second example, of the spouse who doesn't clean
up.

I actually worked with a time-and-stuff management coach for a few years who
took a wholely appreciative approach (Pam Kristan, www.pamelakristan.com),
and she was able to help me change my habits when nothing else could.

Telling your spouse the impact their messiness has on you gives them an
answer to "why" they would want to clean up more, but no information as to
"how." People almost never change ingrained habits based on motivation
alone; they also need a path.

There was a study of students on a college campus where a meningitis vaccine
was recommended for all. Students were given one of three brochures - one
that explained in calm terms why the vaccine was a good idea, one that had
frightening pictures of meningitis and dire warnings, and one that had a
campus map showing where the infirmary was. The students who got the scary
pictures reported seeing the vaccine as more important than the others, but
only the students who got the map went and got the vaccine.

Likewise, if you tell your spouse that his/her messiness is hard on you, you
may get some nice empathy (not trivial) and maybe a one-time action. But if
you say, "Remember that time you changed the sheets when I was so busy? I
loved that. Why do you think that worked?" and build on the answers, the
spouse will draw on his/her own resources. They will find their own map.

-Alice

From: Hank Kearns <hkearns4 at comcast.net>
> Subject: [Ailist] How does it work?
> To: AIList <ailist at lists.business.utah.edu>
> Message-ID: <9DEB99C5-F9A2-43EA-93E6-A42A2500ADD1 at comcast.net>
> Content-Type: text/plain;       charset=WINDOWS-1252;   delsp=yes;
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>
> I  am a retired health teachers. I have always been looking for
> information to share with my students concerning mental health and
> relationships. Sine I'm a "old as dirt," I started with Maslow and
> his hierarchy concepts, that lead to Carl Rogers and his excellent
> work on communication skills, followed by Albert Ellis, Timothy Beck
> and Cognitive Psychology, and more recently Positive Psychology lead
> by Seligman and Peterson.   Along the way I stumbled onto
> Appreciative Inquiry. I tried to get my school to utilize AI concepts
> in changing our school, but was not successful . I've been a lurker
> to this list and a fan of AI for many years. Recently I have tried to
> use AI in my personal life. I have no problem with the major
> principles of AI, but I have to admit that I'm not convinced about
> ignoring the bad.
>
> Let me give you an example. Let's say we are working with a school
> that has a real problem with bullying. Can you ignore the physical
> and emotional pain that is being inflicted while you identify the
> positive and encourage it to grow? (I know I'm in trouble asking this
> kind of question, but I am looking for an answer.) :)
>
> Perhaps a less harmful situation. In your marriage your spouse is a
> slob. He or she never puts things away. Besides that your spouse is
> loving, supportive, and responsible at work and with your children.
> They just are not very neat. Carl Rogers would say that you express
> your persist feelings. You would explain that you are embarrassed
> with the way your house looks, and you want him or her to take in
> consideration your feelings and put things away when he or she is
> done with.
>
> I'm showing my ignorance here, but I have a problem with this.
>
> Hank Kearns
> - -
> www.greydogmac.com
>
> Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. Albert Eistein
>
>
>
>
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> End of Ailist Digest, Vol 60, Issue 1
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>



-- 
Alice Leibowitz
Partner
Insight Unlimited LLC
Non-profit, Community, and Grassroots Consulting
Hartford, CT
alice at insightunlimited.org
www.insightunlimited.org
(860) 956-9299

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