[Ailist] The Centrality of Relationship

Fri Aug 15 09:58:58 MDT 2008

Recently I asked y'all for some quotes about the usefulness and importance of relationship in a coaching/counselling.therapeutic relationship.  A friend of mine (on the list) watched the thread and assembled the replies.

Here is his collection  - both in the body and as an attachment  - which might be easier to read.

Many thanks to you all for your replies and for the new relationships that the thread started for me.

Mike

Any more quotes  - most welcome -and I think I will make use of this whole exercise in the upcoming workshop - certainly receiving the responses has buoyed my spirits and sense of value in The Discovery Process

The Centrality of Relationship

A. Quotes culled from various contributions to an Ailist thread on relationship.

"Love will go away if we stop talking to each other.

-Bonn

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us 

is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. 

Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous 

delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit." 

-E. E. Cummings

>From Mike - I want to change that to 

"When someone reveals that something deep inside us

is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch it helps us believe in ourselves.

Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous 

delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit." 

And then it occurs to me again that nothin says lovin like listenin.

"Instruction does much, but encouragement does everything." 

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, (1749 - 1832) German writer and statesman

"Leadership is a two-way street, loyalty up and loyalty down. Respect for 

one's superiors; care for one's crews."

-Rear Admiral Grace Murray Hopper(1906 - 1992)

"The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated."

-William James, psychologist, philosopher (1842-1910)

"We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can 

find in our travels is an honest friend." 

-Robert Louis Stevenson, Scottish novelist and poet

"Whatever power I exert is collegial. 

-Katharine Graham, former owner, publisher of The Washington Post

"Our relationships live in the space in between, which is sacred. The meaning is to be found neither in one of the two partners, nor in both together.but only in the "between" which they live together." 

-Martin Buber 

"We are made and imagined in each other's eyes."  

-David Cooperrider.

"Dialogue teaches us the power of words and linguistic honor. Without linguistic honor, there 
can be no community, there can be no ethic, there can be no love, there can be no creative vision, 
there can be no peace, and there can be no relationship." 

-Wayne Brazil,Hosting Mediations as a Representative of the System of Civil Justice, Ohio State Journal on Dispute Resolution, Volume 22 2007 Number 2.  Quoted in Thatchenkery, Tojo & Carol Metzker, Developing Your Appreciative Intelligence: Seeing the Mighty Oak In The Acorn - Part 3, World Business 

B. Some comments in the thread 

Mike Sands <msands at dccnet.com> wrote: 

I have seen (and heard) a number of references to the idea that the most therapeutic component of coaching/counseling/therapy is an admiring (one respondent, not included below, suggested a better term than admiring would be trusting) relationship between the partners. I believe Carl Rogers was one of the early people to highlight the importance of this relationship. Do any of you know of any quotes - include those you might have created - that conveys this idea, or that mentions it?

I am giving a workshop on conversations that seed, encourage and cultivate such relationships - so any quotes might be quite useful in opening the idea that the skills are generative and can be mastered - and that it can be very mutually rewarding. I believe that an important reason that AI works so well is that the Discovery Conversation dynamically seeks out stories that elevate the partners esteem and so fosters such a fertile relationship. 

Appreciatively

Mike

To Mike and others:

So, your comments have me wondering and pondering whether the very best AI interviews actually move people beyond themselves--the self, with a little 's'--and into what's possible between people. My sense, upon reflection, is that the greatest interviews I've participated in or observed have been those that elevate people to times when they work and live into their values, strengths, capacity without thinking about 'self'. When they reflect on it, I think we often ask them to focus on their role--which pulls them out of the "inbetweenness" that Colette mentioned. You have me wondering whether inviting them to think about what it is that enables them to be so fully in that "inbetween"--to work and live in that transpersonal space might not uncover some powerful insights and some ways of being where people are less identified with the (little s) self--which seems always at the mercy of external and internal judgment--and as a static concept is always bound for incompetence (since everything keeps changing). What if folks identified with a dynamic self--identified themselves with something more verb-like that is always moving, growing, learning, changing, open, etc. 

Hmmm...

Cheri

Hi Folks

I think what underlies admire/trust etc. is radical respect. What such respect provides us is hospitality and ultimately acceptance. For me acceptance is the deepest longing of the human heart yet we experience life being alienated from ourselves, one another and the Source of our existence. For transformation to occur the process must result in greater acceptance in each of these areas. When a change results in greater alienation in some part of the individual or system it will be unsustainable.

In order for people to experience acceptance 4 conditions must be met:

  a.. To be seen; people need to have their existence acknowledged and their presence affirmed.

  b.. To be heard; people need to have their story listened to and heard. 

  c.. To contribute; people need to have their talents received as their unique offering to the group's well-being.

  d.. To dream; people need hope, the ability to realistically look forward to a better tomorrow.

>From my perspective one of the reasons AI is so effective is the interviewing and shared dreaming meets all these conditions and the result is greater acceptance of self, other and what ever people consider life-giving.

Rob

Mike,

Many thanks for opening up this conversation. The comments and quotes are very timely for me - I am writing two short reflections on "Stewardship of Relationship" in parish life. "Stewardship of Relationship" - the care and keeping of our relationships. I have found the art and practice of true conversation to be essential to healthy and vibrant relationship within family, community, and in the welcoming of new comers. AI provides the underlying understanding of the generative process and incredible potential in co-creating the relationship.

I like the idea that stewardship is active and ongoing just as AI is not simply a process or model but a way of being. Your phrase "cultivation of conversation" fits very well with my image of stewardship. Thank you.

Best wishes on your workshop!

Mimi Delcuze

Delcuze Consulting LLC

Ridgefield, CT

Mary...I like this idea of being a steward of relationships so very much. It places relationships prior to individuals who make them up, and in doing so changes the entire landscape of relating. Along these lines, you might find interesting a book I did with Sheila McNamee several years go, entitled Relational Responsibility. In the spring of next year Oxford University Press will a;so publish an extended exploration of mine under the title of Relational Being, Beyond the Individual and Community. You might find these useful in your own endeavors. Best wishes, Ken 

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